The Invisible Thread

Years ago my kids and I were talking one day about trusting in each other, knowing that we would always be there for one another. I think this conversation came about after they had gone through a rough weekend with their Dad and had called me in the midst of it for guidance on how to deal with it. We had strategized a safe route for them through it and it had worked. And I think we were decompressing and rehashing it after they got back home.

I reassured the kids that I'd always be there for them and we talked about knowing that we could rely on each other when things were scary or upsetting. My daughter used the image of there being an invisible thread running among the three of us and that, no matter how far it might stretch at times, we could trust in the fact that it would never break. Yes, she was wise beyond her years. After that, from time to time we reminded each other of that image, reassuring each other that, no matter what might happen or where we might be, our bond was unbreakable. We would always be there for each other.

When Kate got married, her Pete became part of the circle that our invisible thread had formed. And today I think our circle may be welcoming another member. My son has fallen in love with a very special young woman. I won't even name her here because I don't want to jinx it. But today Kate and I spent a couple of hours with both Kevin and her and somehow the three of us found ourselves talking and listening to each other more honestly than we've been able to in a while.

As close as we are (and, perhaps, because of it), it hasn't always been easy to have an honest exchange among us. Kate and I have had to work hard at setting up boundaries and respecting them -- harder work for me than for her, I admit. Kevin pretty much "did it all" in the past and exhibited a great deal of rage along the way. No matter what or who lay at the heart of all that, he often directed his anger at me -- probably because he knew I would still be there afterwards. Of the three of us, he has the shortest fuse and often aims the verbal ammo first, thinks second. Our times together are not always spent fighting but when these arguments have taken place they've left behind resentment and a leeriness about dealing when another issue comes up down the road. We've been there for each other as promised but sometimes we three have avoided being honest or confronting a problem for fear of another scene.

When things get tough or people seem to fail him, Kevin often gets fed up and just wants to bail. He's been complaining about some aspects of his military life lately and suggesting he's going to find the way for an early departure. Neither Kate nor I have "gone there" with him on this because (1) it's childish and (2) he enlisted, he's theirs, get real. But when he brought it up again today I guess we both realized we had to get him to think and consider the consequences -- this "let me out, get me out" is an old pattern with him and, if he actually tried to carry it out, it would be disastrous for him and his future. So each of us was honest, direct, reminded him he'd made a commitment and was expected to see it through by both the Marines and us. We both talked to him about his options, the possibilities he is missing, ignoring. Kate cried about the incredible changes he's made for the good and her pride in him - and I saw a few tears in his eyes. In our own way each of us advised him to stop complaining and figure out how to improve his life within the system he has chosen. Initially Kev was impatient and even demanded of me why I wouldn't help him get out of this. But I told him that I would not step in to bail him out of a situation he'd created but then decided was just too hard, as I have in the past. I'm not that parent anymore. A grown man, a member of the Marine Corps is quite capable of figuring this out and making it better himself. This was a long overdue shift that I had to put out there for his sake, his sister's and mine. I just didn't know I'd be saying it today.

Once we'd each said our piece, there was no yelling, no accusing and minimal attitude. There was appreciation for our honesty and for our faith in him. This was a shift in him. We not only survived this conversation but reconnected with each other on a level that we had not reached in quite a while. Each of us respected each other's thoughts and opinions, offered advice without judgment and acted like healthy adults. Maybe everyone else gets through such talks without missing a beat, but we often haven't. And while I think all three of us have matured and figured how to handle some things in a better way, I also think that Kevin's girlfriend's presence made a difference for him -- and for us. When he began to get defensive or irritated, she urged him to listen, to ask questions, to appreciate the love behind our words. He calmed down, listened to what we had to say and acknowledged he had some thinking to do. The best in him rose to the occasion and I think I know why: he had the assistance of a gently skilled seamstress today. I think our "invisible thread" just grew a bit stronger.

I can see that this new woman in our midst already knows Kevin well and has some understanding of the history we three have written together. She was tactful, sensitive, engaged but she never overstepped - not an easy task! She played a gentle but helpful role in our little trio's connection today, aware of Kev's natural defensiveness but helping him keep it at bay. I was touched by her understanding of my son and her appreciation of the love that Kate and I feel for him. Another young woman who is wise beyond her years.

I hope that, if this relationship is right, Kevin will feel confident enough to give his heart to this lovely, unique woman and have it returned in full. To sense that he may have met his match, the thing that's been missing from his life, is such a hopeful feeling. I've worried that Kev, who has often felt alienated from his peers and unable to connect with people who really get him, might give up on ever finding a true partner to share his life -- or even give up on life altogether. But I think that this woman sees past his tendency to build up walls and is gently tearing them down. She is giving him not only love but genuine acceptance and encouragement. What a gift this is for my dear son. What a good heart he has to give her in return.

I don't want to jump to conclusions or lay a lot of expectations on her or them. This is a new relationship and they need to take time to really know each other. And it's theirs, not mine. But if Kevin loves her and she loves him, if they want to make a life together.....well, our invisible thread is tightly wound but very flexible. It would be a joy to welcome her and weave her in.