My Daughter

It snowed here today -- really snowed. One of those snow storms that made me think of home in Pennsylvania and the view from our kitchen window, where you could see across the neighborhood and up the hills covered with tall maples and pines. On a winter night the view was so clear you could see lights twinkling from houses across the way, smoke curling up from the stone chimneys on the hillside as the last flakes blew by. On the morning after a snowstorm, our neighborhood would be quiet but for the sound of scraping shovels on driveways as we waited for the snow plows to come clear the streets. And all of that made me think about sledding with my friend, Lorraine. There was only one way to spend such a day! We'd wrap ourselves in turtlenecks, squeaky snow pants, thick jackets and boots and meet outside, trudge up her street dragging our sleds to the highest point. In tandem, we'd toss those sleds on the icy surface, run with them a few steps, throw ourselves on and zoom down in the wind, screaming with the thrill of speed. The rest of our friends would be there too and we repeated that trek-up and whoosh-down until we all were happily blue with cold. Then we'd stagger up her driveway or mine, toss our wet things in the garage and warm up with cocoa and cookies in the kitchen. It was that kind of day today and I know there were scads of kids out there doing exactly the same thing.

I also remembered taking my daughter, Kate, sledding for the first time. She was just over two and I was pregnant with her brother. There was a gentle hill in an old Quaker cemetery that we could walk to from home. So we bundled her up, her Dad and I, and trudged on over to the hill where the neighborhood kids were gathering. And we pulled her up and rode down that hill with her, squealing and laughing in delight as she discovered the feel of the wind on her face and savored the sense of flying. I would rest here and there, waddling "with child" as I was. But her Dad kept going and she would clap and shout, "Again!" when he would zoom down alone and "crash" into a snowbank for her amusement. We made snow angels and sipped hot chocolate from a thermos before trudging off for home. It was a magical day filled with "firsts" with this adorable child. It's all so vivid to me today.

Kate is a mother now, three times over, and she is so good at it. She is tougher than I was and I respect that in her. But her heart is as full of love for her three girls as mine was and is for her. I'm so moved as I see them look to her for those cues we mothers give. My daughter often runs on her emotions which spring from her generous heart -- a heart that is often on her sleeve and gets battered around at times. But I've learned that her head will always catch up with her heart and that she will figure out how to go about doing the right thing, whatever challenge or situation she is confronted with in life. I trust her in that. Though she is often tired and pressed by her responsibilities, I also see that she is still filled with wonder at the world and takes delight in so many things. My child-on-the-sled is still there. She lives a full life and has her husband's love, the trust of three daughters and many friendships to savor. No one deserves these gifts more than my Katie B.

When you are blessed with such a beautiful soul in your life you can foolishly find yourself leaning on that soul too hard at times or assuming it has endless depths for anyone who reaches into it, including yourself. I have been guilty of that with my Kate in the past and I try to be more aware of it now. I think the lesson here is never to take for granted the generosity of such a soul. In my case, never forget that you are the mother, and whether your child is a toddler, teenager or grown woman she needs to know that she can still be the daughter and turn to you for a mother's strength and guidance. It never should tilt out of balance in the other direction. Will there be times when one needs the other more? Yes, all relationships must have that flexibility in them to survive and grow. But this woman, this daughter, means so much to me. I hope she knows that I will not take her for granted and that she can turn and find me there at any time for her, for anything.

Kate's place in my heart is like no other. She is one of my greatest blessings. I couldn't be prouder of her and the person she is. And no matter how old we both grow, how squarely we each stand on our own two feet, I hope she knows that I always will love her with a depth that took root from the moment I knew she was growing inside me. I don't have the words for it but I think she's beginning to understand what that means through the power of her love for her own daughters.

The sun is setting on this frosted day and the night cold will wrap itself around us. Chimney smoke will waft again into the dark sky, lights will glimmer from windows and people will tuck in against the cold until morning. But I'm warm in my heart tonight with the memory of my blue-eyed, freckle-faced, beautiful little girl skimming down a hill on her first sled-ride.....full of glee and delight, wonder and love. This is who my Kate is and she is always with me.